What is inner truth?

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I didn't get very far in most aspects of my life until I started to listen to the truth. And I don't mean letter-of-the-law, 'what were you doing on the night of the 11th' kind of truth. I'm talking about inner truth - my truth. The one that nags at me if I say I want something, when really my heart longs for something else.

You know, like you're at a dinner party hosted by the new (d-i-n-k-y) neighbour and you've just finished an excellent dish that the hostess prepared. Only it was nouveau cuisine and the size of the portion wouldn't fill a fly, never mind a healthy human being. She asks if you would like some more. Everyone else has politely declined, patting their (flat, six-pack) stomachs. You're starving - you skipped lunch today to make space for tonight's feast and now your inner self is telling you to accept the offer.You'd love some more, but you get the feeling you'd soon be sneered at and shunned by the lot of them if you do. You toy with your fork, feeling your still empty stomach pleading, and decide to get up the nerve to say 'yes' in the face of your perfectly polite peers. But when you look up you see seven superior pairs of eyes boring into you and the pressure becomes too much. "Ye-e-e-Wheeew! - No thanks, I'm stuffed."

So you guzzle another couple of glasses of Chardonnay to stave off the hunger pangs and get a bit tipsy because beer's your normal drink. When you get home you're so hungry, you eat everything off the second shelf in the fridge and spend the night battling indigestion. Waking the next day, you realise that you may not have ostracised yourself by accepting another bite of food, but you probably did when you tripped over the cat on the way out, due to avoiding the alcohol-induced vision of one.

Okay, so this example was more something your stomach longed for than your heart. But d'you get my meaning?

It's such an accepted part of today's society to be polite and tell lies rather than tell the truth and face being shamed. "Oh, wasn't he awful darling - did you see him, he had two servings!" "I know, what a pig!" If only. And that's with people you don't know, who don't really matter to your lifelong happiness.

It's even more difficult to be honest with the people who count. "You don't mind if we have an open relationship, do you darling?" He smiles widely. "I couldn't bear to feel trapped."

"Of course," you grin tightly, stomach twisting in knots, heart clenched in an icy ball, as you imagine him sleeping with that gorgeous blonde thing in the next apartment. But you're afraid that if you own up to wanting a monogamous partnership he'll think you're too clingy and avoid you. Or worse - dump you. So you go out on miserable dates with guys you loath, rather than sit at home staring at the phone, wondering what Mr Wonderful's up to tonight. Pretty soon, he only shows up once a fortnight, and only then when he wants to see you, never the other way around. God forbid you should ask him on a date. "Not tonight darling, I'm saving another life somewhere."

Weeks turn into months and you feel used. Resentment builds its subtle walls, held grimly together by hurt silence and before you know it the arguments start. You blame him for your unhappiness. "If he would only change ..." Eventually your mutual desire turns to mutual hate and one of you storms off. Maybe you start over. Maybe you go on to another relationship. Maybe you swear never to go out with another bastard again. Whatever your choice at this point, you're probably carrying around some residue of bad feeling from the previous relationship. Or maybe the last few relationships.

Back to the truth. Your truth. Not the latest boyfriend's, not your best friend's and not the opinion pole in last Sunday's paper that swears more women are happier living with their BMW 3 Series than a man. Maybe your truth is that you want a guy who will love you and only you above, and to the exclusion of, all others. So why are you messing around with the footloose and fancy free ones who think commitment is spelt s-h-a-c-k-l-e? They're okay if you do like open relationships or aren't in it for the long haul. But if you want to settle down, or want to enjoy that special relationship - its okay to ask for that. This is what is meant by living from your truth - not someone else's.

But this will require you to be even more honest. Now you've admitted to yourself what you want, you've got to level with Mr Wonderful II (III or IV) who's on the scene. And he may run a mile. You may get dumped. Now, if you're afraid of telling him what you want because there's a part of you that fears living alone, you'd better realise one thing now. You'll never be happy with the man you're with (even if he is Mr Right) until you know you're with him because you want to be and not because you need to be. Maybe you do need to spend time alone for a while, learning to love your own company and realising you can support yourself. Develop the relationships you have with your friends and pamper yourself more. Then, (just to break the pattern of going out with the runners) accept dates with any guy who asks you, not just the ones you get all hot and steamy for. I know you did this when you were being shunted by Mr Wonderful. But this time, its for a different reason. While you're staring across a cafe latte at them, be discerning. If you couldn't bear to kiss this one, don't - even if he gets petulant at your front door. If he's okay to discuss politics with after a movie, stick to just that with him. And when you're on your own later, write in a journal what you didn't like about the guy. Then write on another page the opposite quality and also what you did like about him. These are qualities you're looking for in Mr Right. Get very clear about what you want your future man to be like. Otherwise you'll end up with someone who's wrong for you because he's the first one that you fancy to ask you out.

Keep doing this and all the time, talk to the Universe. Tell It what you want. And affirm your wishes with your actions. i.e. Don't settle for Mr Wonderful if he's not Mr Right. Remember, you've got a nasty habit of picking a Mr Wonderful, thinking he's Mr Right and you know how it'll end up. (At this point, you might like to ask yourself why you keep choosing the runners - time for more self-truth. Is it that you're really afraid of commitment or intimacy yourself?) Stick to your guns. Follow your inner voice too. Listen to your gut instincts about people. They're probably right. And take notice of your dreams. They are either telling you about yourself, or giving you a big clue about what to do next. Of course, it's up to you to work out which - but that's part of the fun.

And one day, just when you've decided that you love being on your own, and you're quite happy to stay this way until Mr Right comes along thank you very much, who do you bump into...?

I've illustrated my point by talking about a relationship issue. But following your inner truth doesn't just apply to the opposite (or same) sex. If you do what your inner guidance system advises you to do your happiness will increase beyond your wildest dreams in any area: money, work, family life, friendships, creativity, you name it.

Take note though. At first, you may find your life doesn't always flow exactly the way you want it to. This usually happens. It's a bit like unravelling a knotted ball of string. You can't get to the centre of the string without undoing some of the knots first. And you can't get to your joyfilled centre without hitting a few old resentments and destructive belief systems. And that can be frustrating and sometimes downright painful. But don't get downhearted. This is where trust comes in. Keep going. Talk to the Universe (or Christ, or Buddha, or your Wise Self, or God - whatever name you want to give It) and let It know how you are feeling and what you really want. If you've got anger inside, or fear, or hurt - let it out. Find somewhere private and share all of this with the Universe. Or spill it out to a counsellor, or trusted friend. Whatever works for you. And remember, this is just a straightening out of your life. If you've been thinking and acting in a certain way for a long time, then a new way of thinking and acting will take a bit of time to work. You've got a cumulative effect happening - so be patient, laugh at yourself (a lot) and keep going. Eventually, by following your inner truth, you will find happiness. And that happiness will be real and you won't require a lot of alcohol, drugs or chocolate to maintain it.

This is an amazing Universe we live in. By being honest with yourself first, about who you are, what you feel and what you want, then the Universe will sooner or later come up with the goodies. And when it does, you'll wonder why you didn't do it this way before.

PS I found my Mr Right (well, re-found him after 12 years on the other side of the world) by phoning him after dreaming about him. But that's another story...

Copyright © 2006 Aannsha Jones