What happens if I lose my way?

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A while ago, I published an article entitled, "Who am I, Where am I going?" In it, I mentioned that:

… We are being given the opportunity to leave behind the fear-based illusionary reality (Old World) and can now choose to live in the love-based real existence of our Soul-truth (New/Golden Age). The process is a relatively simple one, while at the same time being one of the hardest things we have ever done, as it requires us to think and act in an opposite way to the way we learned to survive in the past….

Now, I know many of us are striving in our own ways to achieve this love-based existence. And we are finding out that "love" isn’t that sugar-coated-confetti stuff, nor that possessive I-must-have-you-at-all-costs garbage that they pump out in the television Soaps. The love talked about in the great good books is deeper, more profound and far more of a broader all-encompassing energy that has wise-consciousness thrown in. It is subtle, yet all pervasive and when we calm our minds and emotions and focus on it, it is more real than our three dimensional reality.

The more we concentrate on this Essence, the more it brings us clarity of perception and a compassionate understanding of our other form-clad brothers and sisters than we ever had before. Life flows, and even problems don’t matter as much. We really begin to feel blessed.

What happens if I’m trucking along the Happiness Highway, becoming one with this Essence (Godforce, Christ, Buddha, whatever you wish to call It), when all of a sudden I take a wrong turning? What happens if I lose a wheel, have a blowout, fall asleep at the wheel, or run into someone?

Good question. Actually, it happened to me when I turned 40 years old. Over a period of months. And it didn’t happen so that I noticed all of a sudden either. To take my trucking scenario a little further - It was more like putting down the map I’d been navigating with (inner voice), taking a turn down a side road and then finding myself in a dark alley with my engine constantly overheating. I couldn’t see to turn around, couldn’t find the damn map (yes, I cursed that inner voice a lot), and I eventually ran into a brick wall and had to have a major engine overhaul. (Actually, it was a total hysterectomy).

But all was not lost. I realised while I was sitting in the surgeon’s office that I had manifested this very large threatening ovarian cyst by creating a lot of negative energy that I then suppressed. Rather ironic actually, here I was writing articles on self-awareness and I hadn’t noticed that I’d grown an 18cm cyst inside of me!

Not to be put off by my distinct lack of awareness and major lapse in "right thinking", I looked very long and hard at myself and found the cause of my problem. I had plenty of time to do this, as I spent nearly 2 weeks in hospital before and after surgery. (I think the morphine helped).

Now I was fortunate. The Universe gave me a wakeup call (in the form of a very sharp pain in my left side that got me off to hospital) and I have taken and am continuing to take the necessary steps to ensure I don’t go down that dark alley again. Now that I’ve had my engine overhauled, I’ve turned my truck around and, focussing firmly on my map, I’m back on the Happiness Highway.

Basically, instead of getting on with my life, being grateful for all the blessings I have – perfect health, wonderful husband, cute son, great job, lovely house, relaxing garden, reliable car, good friends, loving relatives, creative mind, opportunities galore - the list goes on and on if I think about it - I started to get really picky. Instead of focusing on the good things in every situation and every person I came into contact with, I allowed myself to only see their limitations rather than positive points.

I began to get frustrated with how things weren’t going how I wanted them. I would lose my temper at the smallest things because they weren’t living up to my expectations. Where I once looked for an aspect of a situation or person that I could understand, I began to criticize them and judge them from my own point of view. They should be like this … but because there were like that, they had failed. So I made them wrong and became annoyed because they were acting like idiots.

Because all of these things were "going wrong", I began to feel like a victim. I would get angry, then upset because it wasn’t fair that I was getting angry all the time. I would sit and seethe at traffic lights because they were red not green and keeping me waiting. And no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t relax. I couldn’t let go of my tension. I couldn’t meditate. And it got so eventually that I didn’t even want to meditate. The Universe sucked. Poor me.

I took some things so personally, that I couldn’t let them out of my mind. I was like a crazed dog hanging on to a mangy bone. I knew I wanted a resolution, but the whole situation seemed so unfair and unforgivable, that my whole being was filled with resentment and I couldn’t let it go. And the resentment spewed over so that it coloured the rest of my life. I couldn’t sleep, I stuffed myself with stodgy food and felt thoroughly miserable. I even stopped writing articles for my beloved website. Well, how could I write about Positive Outcomes when I was feeling so wretchedly negative? I ate so much, that when my clothes started feeling tight around the waste, I thought I was getting fat. When an acquaintance asked if I was pregnant, I said, "No, I’m just fat." Then I ate some more food to console myself for looking fat. Poor thing, it wasn’t fat – it was that cyst!

Well, as I said earlier, it all came to a head and there I was in hospital having the cyst cut out of me. I realised I was too far down the "dark alley" to simply use light to heal myself – the good surgeon was going to have to play his part and help me rid myself of all my past negativity on the physical level. My job would be to make sure I didn’t grow anything else.

The night before my operation I was very nervous. I started talking to the Universe again in real earnest. I confirmed that I actually did want to live, that I realised I had become an ungrateful wretch considering all the wonderful blessings I had in my life. And I would really appreciate a bit of help surviving the operation and getting back on track afterwards. The Universe answered me in a dream…

It was a dark night and I was being attacked by an evil being trying to kill me and take my soul. I was cold with dread. I fought with this being to no avail and then remembered to do what had always worked in the past when confronted like this. I put my hands by my sides and said "I will not fight you – the Love that created me is in you too and you either don’t exist, or you are Good." I waited for the evil being to vanish, as had always been the case before. But this time it just laughed in my face.

I was terrified. I was alone. And my power wasn’t strong enough. I had to reach out. I called to the Universe to come to my aid, as I was weak and helpless. The next thing I knew, two men appeared in coats. I asked them who they were, as they didn’t exactly look like God’s messengers. In fact the bad guy looked more benevolent than they did. They opened their coats and the light that shone out from their bodies almost blinded me. I knew they were Angels. With warm relief, the dream stopped.

When I awoke, I knew the operation would be a success and that there would be no further treatment needed.

From that moment on, I asked for the willingness to let go of any resentment and find forgiveness for any wrongs done. I asked for a return to inner peace. While I was at it, I remembered that I had originally been trucking on the Universal Highway and took a long hard look at my map. I tuned in again to my inner guidance system, put myself into cruise control, and slipped back onto the Enlightenment Lane. Things started to get better almost instantly. Every day now, I keep checking on my map (inner voice), and put petrol in the tank (meditation/mantras). And with wonderful results.

The Universe has helped me find my inner peace again. One day recently, I woke up and realised I had no resentment left. I had let the old issues go. I am sleeping well, and have stopped binge-eating. And I can sit at traffic lights for ages now, glad to have the time to count my blessings.

In a way, I am grateful to have had that episode. It has brought me a deeper understanding of the mind/body link and given me a greater appreciation of all I have in my life that is Good. I give thanks daily and am filled with a quiet anticipation that sits deep within my being.

And one thing I know now for sure. It doesn’t matter if you lose your way. If you realise you’ve left the Happiness Highway, stop, take stock of where you are. And call out loud and long to the Universe. And as you let go of perceived control of your vehicle and let the Universe do the steering, It’ll soon have you back on track.

Copyright © 2006 Aannsha Jones